Coco's new thing has been putting on a show for us each night. The boys say all are good kissers too. So I decided in the middle of pursuing my acting career, it was an opportunity I needed to. It takes effort on my part to follow their advice, but it actually works very well. Like I wanted to put my head on my desk and cry.
I gave myself two or three bullet points in each category. But I just tried to take a couple deep breaths. Friday I have to take Zuzu to a dentist appointment, and that night, she and David are attending a dance at school. What would we do if she refused? We met up with him a couple of his friends and went out to dinner and it was so intimidating and so cool. But when we loaded up to go out of town just for the weekend with two kids both still in five point harness car seats and two dogs one on the seat in the middle, one on the floorboard and a cargo area full of suitcases and dog food and pillows.
I put it in my water bottle. And exhaustion was still real. In fact, our group is so reluctant to let go of the little community we've formed, that we've already made some potluck plans for the month of June. I had on a dress, but my shoes were soaked in urine. I need to know that the baby is alive. My kids haven't been exposed that that many curse words except when they overhear me.
I know blog comments are nearly dead. My goal is to drink 80-100 ounces a day. A lot of people are asking if it will be another C, but of course people who know know that the pattern starts with E. I do think that some consistent sunshine and warmer temperatures would make a huge difference in my energy levels. I did discover a huge bag of newborn and 0-3 month clothes in the basement and I had no idea where it came from.
My doctor is the same doctor I've had for all the girls. It is too much for me. Since she has been hurt in the past. I might have acted out at home, complained about class, or whined about going, sure. She is vary talented athletics, artistically, musical, she is a vary well rounded person. I'm almost 20 weeks along and I think if I were a reader maybe I will feel annoyed or kept out of the loop, but I'm not trying to be tricky here. Zuzu commented that she was adorable and then went to play with baby's big sister.
How does it happen that everything happens at once? Let me say that things are still fine here. The days you go into the gym spending an hour in there, for me are long gone. This time an emergency c-section and a super early premie felt like my best option, and I didn't think it was possible. I was feeling okay last night, mostly because I'd had a doctor appointment yesterday morning. I realized that Eliza's death was a profound turning point in my life, not just because of the devastating grief, but also because it burst the illusion I had been comfortably living with: the idea that life is mostly a meritocracy.
She is a girl of many talents, including her ability to light up a room. Because I do remember him telling me it was okay to ask her if I needed to go. Brains, beauty, athleticism, talent, sense of humor, the biggest heart ever--a Brooke has it all. It was nerve-wracking at first, but it became a kind of refuge and a place to think about and talk about really hard things with other people who also care about wrestling with really hard things, many of whom are involved in organizations and practices I still want to learn more about. I've been bracing myself for dance lessons since then, but it's been fine. And all things over which I have very little control. So we talked about why she takes dance lessons--to be active and healthy, to make friends, and to have fun.
It turns out that a mom at David's school passed them along to us, and he hid them in the basement because he knew I wouldn't want them yet! He was gone Tuesday through Saturday, which is an absurdly long time for a conference. I expected them to say there was no heartbeat because I'd heard those words before. So I just woke myself up. Other than that, she is a wonderful person. One final thought for today. I had stopped bleeding by then and I could just listen to the galloping rhythm of the baby's heartbeat as I lay on my side and sipped cranberry juice.
Active, responsive, uneventful monitoring appointment. David was late because of interviews and I had just put the girls to bed when he got home. And I'm getting 8 hours of sleep a night! I'm under no illusions that I'm too cool for a mini-van I'm not at all cool but I also appreciate the gas mileage my little Honda gets. I did find that helped make me feel a little less despairing. Sending love into the universe.